At 32, I became pregnant with my fifth baby, just seven months after my fourth daughter was born. I was engaged to the father of my youngest two. Our relationship started in 2020 and has been the world's scariest roller coaster ride. When we met, I wasn't my best self, and he was fighting himself in active recovery. I was immersed in numbing myself with marijuana, alcohol, and nicotine every hour of every day. I had high anxiety and couldn't cope with my emotions while also raising my children.
I also lost full custody of my two oldest kids in 2022 because of the instability of my relationship. I had no real family. My biological mom and siblings have always turned a blind eye to me and my kids. I've always felt outcasted and like I never belonged. I was in foster care from the time I was 11-14. I didn't have anyone I could rely on to help me out of this very abusive situation.
Even with his family, I never felt like I belonged. They made it clear that they didn't think I was good enough to be with their son. After a very traumatic altercation with not only my fiance but also with his parents that resulted in my calling the cops, an advocate from Centers For Hope & Safety told me to pack a bag and meet her at a nearby park. My attempt to leave resulted in my neighbors to call the police, and they arrested him. I was sobbing and in total shock at what took place, but I finally had my home to myself, and he was going to jail. My children were safe.
I was fighting myself about removing him from our lives permanently. I felt guilty for hurting him, but I made the choice to file a restraining order against him while he was in jail. The judge granted my request for a restraining order and, in fact, ordered him to move out of the home, even though he was the only one on the title of the house. After he got out of jail, he continued coming to the house despite the restraining order. After one of our fights, the police were called and were so sick of it that they arrested him for violating the restraining order. This was in August 2023. Shortly after that incident, I started my journey with Embrace Grace.
I learned about Embrace grace through Facebook. I asked a question in one of the various group chats I'm in, and one of the women reached out to me and told me that she leads an Embrace Grace group. I was extremely hesitant because, growing up, I was in and out of Mormon foster homes while also watching my mom struggle with having any faith in her life. I was unsure what I was getting myself into, but I gave her my phone number anyway.
After that, I met with Robin, one of the leaders, even though I was still on the fence about my decision. I'm a mom in my early thirties; isn't this group meant more for teen moms? How do I deserve to be in Embrace Grace? I should have my life figured out by now; I have four kids and one on the way. I was afraid to share my story. I was scared that I'd be judged or let down again. I told Robin a few times that I didn't think I would join, but she kept encouraging me by saying that my children and I were wanted and loved and should give Embrace Grace a chance, so I did.
My first class was very emotional and hard to take in. I honestly didn't know where I stood with faith, religion, and God. I came from a place where I didn't practice any real relationship with Him. I didn't have any faith or trust in God at that time. Throughout my childhood, I remember praying to him for help, which was the extent of our relationship.
After going home that first night, I didn't want to return. But during the first two weeks, my daughter and I were shown a lot of love and compassion, giving me the courage to commit fully to the process. Every week was so good, but the class on forgiveness was truly powerful. Getting apologies on behalf of all the people who failed us was everything we needed.
The baby shower at the end of the semester was unlike anything I've ever experienced. They gave us a day where they did our hair and makeup and took us out to dinner that night. We felt so special! I've never been treated with so much love before by anybody, let alone by people in the church. I decided to be re-baptized to represent my new faith in Jesus Christ. I wanted to show my new community– my new family how much a relationship with God meant to me. They all came to witness, brought me gifts, and showed me so much love that day. When I tell you that these people continue to celebrate me continuously throughout the end of 2023 and saw me through into the new year, I am not exaggerating!
Everyone I've met through Embrace Grace has gone above and beyond what I could ever imagine for a single mom like myself, who just came from a place of feeling so unworthy and so unloved and like I couldn't make a single good decision for me, or my children to save my life. One of our leaders told me that because God sees our tomorrow, He assembled this perfect community of women and mothers around me and my children to help me during this tragedy and loss that my children and I are facing now.
When I relayed the news that my newborn's father passed away, without hesitation, Embrace Grace showed up for me and my children. I cannot imagine where I would be if I didn't have this amazing support network. They've taken time away from their own families to help me, especially during my multiple hospital visits after my C-section. All my life, I've felt unstable, unsafe, and unseen. And now, I'm the safest I've ever been, and my heart is at peace.
I have a family now. I have women who want to be a part of our lives. I have a church I can attend, and I never imagined my life could be like this. My children are seen and loved; none of this would've happened if I hadn't gone to my first Embrace Grace night.
To the women who brought me meals out of the hospital after I gave birth. To the ones who played with my one-year-old so I could be with my newborn without her crying. To the women who have helped me mourn my youngest's father, Thank you.
Thank you, Embrace Grace.
Find a place of belonging in a support group for moms with unexpected pregnancies or single, young moms and dads.
